The Third Wheel

Jan 16, 2009 12:54am

Stuck on the way to the middle of nowhere

I have a habit of going toward the edges of places uninhabited. I also have a habit of getting stuck on the way to or from such places. I feel like when these things happen they can be taken metaphorically and I can continue from that point on. The only difference this time from any other time was that this time it was the coldest day of the year. Instead of having a revelation of some vast meaning in some vast world I learned some very basic truths.

1) I can suffer hypothermia in ten minutes. This though seemingly a peaceful way to die is actually more likely a painful way to die. The gnashing of negative temperatures feels more like pieces being cut off than a comfortable numbing.

2) Don’t wear jeans with holes in them. New York I hear you calling my name, coaxing me with terms like “fashionably sensible,” but I must contest there is nothing sensible about having your legs amputated simply because it is “cool and risqu’e” to show your knees. There would be plenty of time to do that if in fact that was where your legs ended.

3) Stop driving to the middle of nowhere. There is nothing there. There is no reason to die there. Jon Krakauer…shut your lips.